


the time it takes to heal

by InLust



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Depression, Enemies to Friends, F/F, Friends to Lovers, PTSD, Pre Relationship, Unresolved Sexual Tension, alex being an ass, alex is clueless af, holiday fic, holiday theme, lucy needs a hug, lucy trying her best, survivor's guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2019-03-10 22:55:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13511466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InLust/pseuds/InLust
Summary: It’s the holiday’s and every year, Alex and Lucy are at each other’s throat. But after a year when Lucy doesn’t show up, she comes back from the war and everything about her has changed.a story about lucy wanting to be normal but needing time to heal





	the time it takes to heal

**Author's Note:**

> *shows up over a month late to the holidays after thawing in Massachusetts* so i wrote this like a week before christmas but then it got out of hand ie much longer than i anticipated. i don’t know who is going to read this but eyyyyy 
> 
> ALSO even though it seems sad, i tried to add some happy parts in this because it was supposed to be happy...i just....messed up! so let me know what you think and ENJOY

Lucy stares at the ceiling. 

It’s late into the night and she can’t sleep. She’s been staring at the same spot for what feels like forever. There’s a war inside of her heart and she feels it throughout her entire body. 

The window is open, leaving the cool National City air to creep in. It’s cool enough to remind her of where and when she is, but not comfortable enough to fall asleep. Her body has grown accustomed to the Middle Eastern heat in the last four years. 

Only a week has passed. 

They say it’s supposed to get easier. That she’ll eventually readjust to civilian life. Lucy is doubtful. She stares at the ceiling because regardless of whether or not her eyes are open, she can still see that day clearly in her mind. 

She hears Kara’s footsteps pass her door. The creaking of the home is something everyone is a victim of. With her acute hearing, Lucy hears a jingle before the back door opens. 

Suddenly it was close to morning. It meant that Kara was picking up her sister from the airport. 

Lucy shuts her eyes. Because if there’s one thing she needs energy for, it’s dealing with Alex Danvers.

 

\----

 

Alex pulls her duffle across her back as she makes her way out of the gate. She glances at her phone to see Kara’s messages incoming. It’s a little unfair that her Kryptonian sister can have energy at all times, but it’s comforting to finally have a chance to visit. 

Through the queue of engines, Alex instantly hears Kara’s signature squeal and braces herself from impact. She doesn’t even look in the direction of the squeal because suddenly she feels herself being enveloped into a bone crushing (almost literal) hug. She feels her back pop in a few places that is actually pleasant. 

“Kara!” Alex greets happily burying her face into the soft blonde hair. “It’s way too early for this.” 

“Are you kidding me?” Kara puts Alex back on the ground before relieving her of the duffle. “It’s never to early for this. I’m _always_ happy to see you.” 

“You act as if you can’t fly to Central City in the blink of an eye,” Alex says as she follows Kara down the row of cars. 

“Well, I don’t want to bother you,” Kara jokes back. She throws Alex’s bag into the back seat of the sedan. “Besides, National City has been keeping James and I plenty busy.” 

“You know, if you need help, you can always call me,” Alex says sliding into the passenger side. 

Kara shoots her a cheeky smile. “Do you want to move back to National City?” 

Alex lets out a sarcastic laugh. “Nice try, Kara. That’s a definite hard pass.” Kara pouts before she starts driving. “You’re a big girl. You don’t need your big sister babysitting you anymore. Besides, I am living my best life in Central City.”

“You work with the Flash and Star Labs! _Ughhhhh_ , the betrayal.” 

“You’re being dramatic,” Alex shoves Kara playfully. “I come bearing gifts!” 

“Is it--”

“An upgrade cape with pockets?” Kara gasps with excitement. “Yep, don’t tell Winn, he will only be angry he didn’t come up with it first.” 

“Yesssss!” Kara cheers. 

“I also have a new synthetic polymer lining for the Guardian suit that’s a fraction of the leather-Kevlar composite.” 

“Wait are these our Christmas gifts? Are you spoiling Christmas for me?” 

Alex rolls her eyes. “No! Your Christmas gift is actually a surprise.” 

Kara drums the steering wheel with excitement. “I’m happy you’re back.” 

“I am happy to see you.” Alex hates sounding guarded but she can’t help it. There are very few reasons for her to be in National City anymore. Kara is probably the only one that actually matters. 

“Aw come on Alex, there’s also the rest of our friends,” Kara offers cheerfully. 

Alex has to admit, it will be nice to see the squad again. It’s nice being part of Team Flash while she’s in Central City now that she’s actually found her role, but Superfriends will always be her home. Even though…

“Is Major Lane joining us this year or is she missing us again?” Alex jokes. Kara doesn’t answer right away and Alex notices. She pointedly avoids Alex’s curious gaze. “She’s already here isn’t she?” 

Kara shrugs sheepishly. “Yes, but--”

“And you didn’t give me a heads up?” Alex asks quickly. She’s already mentally exhausted at the thought. She thought she’d have at least a day or two to prepare herself for Lucy’s _frustrating_ personality. 

Kara makes an uncomfortable sound, “Ehhhhhh.” 

Alex’s eyes widen. “You gave her the bedroom didn’t you?” 

“Well, I couldn’t just ask her to sleep on the couch!” Kara argues. “I’d be a terrible host.” 

Alex groans. “Fantastic. I haven’t even seen her yet and she’s already giving me trouble.” 

Kara bites her lip. “I think maybe this year you guys can try to be nicer to each other?” 

“Oh, I do try to be nice,” Alex argues. She’s confident that her argument is sound because she does _try_ to be nice. “I can’t help it if she instigates arguments with me. She’s just a sore loser when we get competitive.” 

Kara purses her lips and looks at Alex. “Well, just...maybe this year, you can ease up on her? She’s been through a lot.”

“ _I’m sure_ ,” Alex says sarcastically. “She’ll be back to normal in like a day. She’s a tough girl, she can bounce back easily from whatever's wrong.” 

Alex is sure of it even though Kara knows that might not be the case.

 

\----

 

Sure enough, by the time they arrive at Kara and James’ place the sun is already rising.

“I can’t believe I let you drive,” Alex complains as she gets out of the car. 

“It wasn’t even that bad.” Kara moves to get Alex’s duffel from the back seat. 

“Oh, it’s bad. I’d rather you fly us.” 

They round the car up to the steps of the small duplex. Alex insists on taking her bag. Just because Kara is strong doesn’t mean she can’t handle herself. When she gets inside, she tries not to make too much noise beside Kara because as much as Lucy annoys her, she can still be a decently considerate person. 

Luckily, she isn’t too tired from working late nights and odd hours that she decides to get the scent of the plane off of her instead of lying on the couch. She brings her bag to second floor of the small duplex where the bedrooms and the full bathroom are.  

Maybe she is a bit tired though because she doesn’t think twice as she opens the bathroom door and warm air meets her.

Alex looks up through thinning wall of steam and notices that Lucy is in the bathroom without a shirt on. There have been multiple holidays where Alex has seen Lucy without a shirt on, by pure accident, such as this, she honestly shouldn’t be surprised. Lucy’s back is toned and fit and there’s a new layer of muscle with dips and ripples to her obliques. Her eyes widen because more importantly, she notices there are fresh scars on Lucy’s back. There’s a long mark from her left shoulder blade to the middle of her back accompanied by smaller scars that are no less than three inches. 

_ What happened? _

Lucy pulls her green t-shirt over her head and turns around with a smirk on her face. “What? Did you want to join?” 

Alex instantly snaps out of her thoughts and takes in Lucy’s smirk. Despite the heat rising up to her cheeks, she scoffs at Lucy’s behavior. “You could’ve locked the door,” she grits. 

Instead of waiting for Lucy’s response, she grabs the doorknob tightly to shut the door behind her before making her way back downstairs. Despite her frustration from the smirk on Lucy’s face, Alex can’t get the images of her scars out of her mind.

 

\----

 

“Hey, I thought you were going to shower?” Kara says when Alex walks by the kitchen. 

“Someone’s in the bathroom,” Alex grumbles as she makes her way to the half bathroom. “I can shower later.” 

Of course, Alex makes no mentions of walking in on Lucy to Kara, like she’s done over the last couple of holidays. It happens like it’s a _thing_ between them. And explaining to Kara that she’s seen her boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend naked would just be awkward. Alex is both frustrated by Lucy and jealous of her body but she doesn’t need anyone to know that. 

When she finishes brushing her teeth and fixing her hair, Kara has already started making waffles and bacon. 

“Do those have---” Alex slides onto the stool at the window of the galley kitchen.

“Blueberries?” Kara responds, turning the slices of bacon. She reaches over for the first waffle to give to Alex. 

Alex starts chowing down gratefully. “I miss you so much,” she says with a full mouth. 

Kara laughs, knowing full well that Alex is not talking to her.

Then a new set of footsteps join them and Kara peers through the window, while Alex turns to see Lucy walking towards them wearing casual black pants and an olive green t-shirt. 

Alex holds her breath as she turns back to keep eating. “You swear she only wears her uniform,” she says lowly. 

Kara gives her a chiding look before smiling at Lucy. “Morning Lucy! What’re you doing up so early?” 

Lucy slides into the stool beside Alex. “I went for a run.” 

Alex rolls her eyes. “Of course you did,” she mumbles under her breath.

Lucy glances at Alex but doesn’t say anything when Kara interrupts with, “You must be hungry.” Before she can even respond, Kara has a plate with egg whites, toast, and bacon for Lucy. 

Lucy stares at it in surprise. Alex does as well because Kara was prepared. “Wow, thanks.” 

“Yeah, it’s no problem,” Kara chirps happily. 

Lucy reaches for her utensils but pauses to glance at Alex. She shuts her eyes briefly, deciding against it. “I’m actually going to eat this outside.”

Kara glances at Alex before she nods to Lucy. “Just one second.” She turns around and pours a cup of coffee before handing it to Lucy. “The paper is on the table outside.”  

Lucy smiles at Kara before taking her plate and mug to bring outside. 

When she’s gone, Alex is left sitting there in confusion. 

“Did she send you her order before she came down or something?” Alex quips, having inhaled her waffle. 

Kara gives Alex a look. The kind where she’s slightly disappointed.

“What? You literally just waited on her hand and foot without her even saying anything,” Alex points out. “Usually she’s all, _I’ve got it Kara, gotta eat healthy and stay fit_.” 

Kara sighs at her before grabbing another waffle for Alex. That doesn’t answer anything for Alex.

 

\----

 

They have their annual paintball tournament amongst the Superfriends. However, it’s James that suggests otherwise when J’onn and Winn come over for lunch.

“Maybe we can do something else that isn’t so...painful?” he asks carefully. He glances over to Lucy. Kara, who is cuddling under his arm, also does the same thing but her eyes sweep across the room encouragingly.

Lucy scowls at this, but doesn’t say anything. She sits back into the small couch besides Alex with a shrug. 

Alex raises an eyebrow. “I mean, it’s kind of a tradition,” she starts before looking at Lucy. “Unless, you’re afraid I’ve gained more experience over the years, _Major_.” 

Lucy raises her eyebrow right back at Alex. “I’m not the one who’s afraid of a little competition.” She stares pointedly at James. Again, there’s this unspoken conversation that goes on and Lucy’s eyes darken slightly. 

James just looks at Kara, who looks at him with a sheepish nod. “I mean if no one minds then we can keep to tradition.” 

Usually, the two teams are broken up between DEO and non-DEO, making it James, Lucy, and Winn, but someone-- _Winn_ \--always complains about the alien advantage, which ends up breaking the teams to James, Lucy, and J’onn. However, Kara seems to have the bright idea that maybe they could do girls versus boys this year. 

One, that’s sexist. Two, that makes it way too _easy_. 

“All I’m wondering is, how are we going to know who is better at this when you put Lucy and I on the same team?” Alex asks as she slips into her jacket. 

“Maybe you’re better together than fighting,” Kara offers hopefully. She gets their gun ready and looks at the paintball jacket. She doesn’t need the jacket, but she puts it on anyway to blend in. 

“If she wants competition, she can still get some,” Lucy smoothly enters the conversation. She’s all set and ready to go with her lucky black military hat. It’s definitely seen some wear and tear over the last few years, but Alex notices a significant burn to the back of it. 

Alex looks at Lucy curiously. “Name the game and the stakes,” she takes on easily. 

Lucy looks out into the forest. “Most takedowns by the end of the day for a bottle of Glendronach 15 Year.” She looks and sounds completely confident by the the bottle of scotch she chooses. 

“Make it Glenlivet and we have a deal,” Alex bargains. Because she’s going to win and it’s her favorite scotch on the line. 

Lucy reaches out her hand. Alex shakes it firmly. Usually they have a bit of gripping match but instead Lucy just shakes it briefly and lets go. She doesn’t say anything else and walks into the forest.

Except she looks over she shoulder to Alex with a cocky smile. “Are you coming or what?” 

Alex rolls her eyes.

After about an hour, Alex is sure she’s in the lead because she’s taken down all three of the boys twice. On the third reset of the match, Alex finds Winn first, who is blatantly trying his best to hide, but the crunching leaves beneath his boots are a dead giveaway. 

Alex creeps in his direction and catches him from behind. She hears him gasps just as she shoots him and he squeals painfully at the paintball shot because somehow she manages to hit his neck. 

Winn falls onto the ground like his dramatic self and Alex suddenly comes face to face with Lucy with her paintball gun up and ready. 

There’s an intense look in her eyes but she doesn’t look like she’s taken a shot. She stands there, eyes focused and brows furrowed. 

“What?” Alex says with Lucy intently staring in her direction. “Are you mad I stole your shot?” She lowers her gun and actually sees Lucy flinch like she’s going to shoot. “Whoa, we’re on the same team.” She jokes as she takes a step towards Winn. “You alright dude?” 

“I can’t believe you shot me in the neck,” Winn complains as he rolls onto his back. “I could’ve been paralyzed.” 

Alex playfully jabs at his side with the barrel of her gun and he shifts away from the tickle. “You’re so dramatic. You’re perfectly fine.” She looks at the front of his body for any new paint. 

There isn’t any and she looks up at Lucy, who looks frozen in place. Alex stands back up and walks in front of Lucy. It’s then that she notices Lucy’s finger is still on the trigger, and the gun tremors subtly. There’s a faraway look in Lucy’s eyes, but they’re still focused. It's like she's somewhere else completely.

“Lucy?” Alex waves her hand in front of Lucy’s face. 

Lucy blinks at the sound of her name. She pulls back from Alex’s presence like it’s a surprise. “What’re you _doing_?” 

Alex points to Winn on the ground. “Uh, apparently kicking your ass at this game.” Lucy lowers her gun and brings up a hand to rub her eyes. “Are you okay?” Alex bites the urge to touch Lucy’s shoulder. 

Lucy takes in a deep breath. “Yeah, of course. I’m fine,” she says before rubbing her nose. 

Alex hears the lie through Lucy’s tired voice. It’s then that she feels a bit worried because Lucy doesn’t even look at her. She just blinks and breathes like she’s trying to reorient herself. “Are you sure?” Alex asks, moving in just a little closer to ask softly. 

Lucy nods, shrugging her shoulders. “Absolutely,” she insists. Then she shoots Alex a smile. “You should be more worried about losing.”

 

\----

 

Somehow they manage to tie. And it’s because Kara actually gets some shots in to skew the distribution. Alex thinks briefly about Lucy’s strange moment with Winn and tries to chalk it up to being annoyed by Alex’s kill steal, but she isn’t bothered by it and doesn’t even mention it. Lucy doesn’t even put up a strong debate of who is going to buy the scotch since they tied.

Because of their inconclusive argument, Kara settles on sending them both to the store. Alex argues with Kara that the two of them going to the store would only end in a disaster. 

“It’s alright, Kara, if Alex doesn’t want to go, I’ll go,” Lucy offers easily. There’s a small smile on her face.

“Lucy, that’s really nice of you but--” 

Alex narrows her eyes. There’s a haughtiness that Alex catches and she takes that as a challenge. She’s Kara’s sister, she can run errands too. “Oh, I’m going too.” 

“Sure,” Lucy complies as she grabs the keys to Kara’s car. “If you want to.” 

“Oh, I want to.” Alex chases after her, barely having her jacket on. “And I’m driving!” 

It’s actually rare of them to share a moment alone. The moments that they do, they come off of something to bicker about. However, that hasn’t been the case all day. Lucy actually is quieter than usual, pensive, or lost in thought. Sure she makes remarks directed at Alex with a small smirk or raised eyebrow, but they feel... lacking. Something is missing and Alex doesn’t know what it is.

Alex has taken charge of the list because it’s her duty and she just honestly hates when Lucy tries to take control. Then that becomes a _thing_ , like Lucy knows everything or something. It’s a bit annoying when Lucy easily hands Alex the shopping list and starts pushing the cart along beside her.

“So we didn’t decide on what scotch we are getting,” Lucy says as they walk through the aisle side by side. 

“We decided on Glenlivet,” Alex reminds as she looks down the aisle for the whiskey section. 

Lucy hums thoughtfully. “That was if you won,” she rebuts. “As I recall, you didn’t win.” 

“Well, neither did you,” Alex throws back petulantly. 

“Which means that we can easily get a bottle of Glendronach,” Lucy counters with a smile on her face. 

Alex scoffs. “Glendronach is over $100 per bottle, at least I was being considerate when I suggested Glenlivet.” 

Lucy shrugs casually. There’s a sly smile at the corner of her lips. “You don’t know what you like until you try it.”

“I would know just by looking at it,” Alex declares, unconsciously looking up and down at Lucy’s body. 

“Hmm.” 

“What?” 

Alex hates when they do this at times when they’re alone. They have a conversation about one thing, but it clearly means something else. Alex forgets that they have this thing. Something undefined and untried. It’s an almost. 

Lucy had this alluring and daring personality. It’s like she always wants to challenge Alex and push her to the edge. 

However, standing there now, with all that’s happened in the last two years, things have clearly changed. They still feel a connection by their mutual annoyance, but it’s not the same. 

Alex stares at Lucy for the first time catching her eyes. They’re dim and guarded and weary like she hasn’t rested in years. Even her smile has changed. Her smile doesn’t reach her eyes and it’s actually tight like she’s forcing herself to smile. 

_ “Alex?”  _

This time Alex freezes at the voice calling her name. Part of her doesn’t want to turn around, but there’s a gentle tug at her heart that makes her. She has to see her. 

Maggie stands there as Alex remembers her. Almost exactly so with her leather jacket over her button up she wears for work. 

“Maggie,” she exhales, trying to be as casual as possible. 

“How are you doing?” Maggie asks taking a step towards her. 

“I’ve been good,” Alex answers even though there’s a tightness in her chest. She hates that there’s a tightness. After almost a year away, she thought she’d get over it. “How have you been?”

“Same old, you know--”

Suddenly, a woman with sweeping red hair with a frame taller and broader than Alex sidles up besides Maggie. Without a care in the world she hooks her arm with Maggie’s and presents a box. “Babe, I got the Glendronach.”

Alex eyes widen and she steps back. There’s a small hand on her back and she glances to Lucy, who is trying to guide her. 

Lucy just raises an eyebrow at her. There’s a silent question as to what’s going on and honestly, Alex doesn’t know how to answer that. 

“Kate, this is Alex,” Maggie starts to introduce. “Alex, this is Kate.”

Kate is sweet and pleasant as she shakes Alex’s hand. Alex just feels weird about the whole situation because clearly Maggie’s moved on. She has too, sort of, kind of, maybe? Too bad there wasn’t a way to prove it. 

Suddenly, a hand slips into Alex’s and she looks down quickly to Lucy standing closer to her. She warms instantly at the proximity and feels the nerves because Lucy is tense beside her. 

“Are you not going to introduce me to your friend?” Lucy tries to play dumb, but Alex knows better. Lucy can easily read the situation. 

“Uh, right?” Alex dumbly says. “Right! Maggie, this is Lucy. Lucy, Maggie.” The minute Alex says it, she wishes she hadn't because there's a look on Maggie's face. 

Maggie raises her eyebrows as she reaches for Lucy’s hand. “You’re Major Lane,” she deadpans with a glance at Alex. It’s strange how there is both amusement and bitterness in the same breath. She raises her eyebrows at Alex, who bites her lip in discomfort. 

Lucy furrows her brow. “Yes, ma’am.”

“Alex talked about you a lot,” Maggie states. There’s a tension that falls. Alex knows what Maggie is referring to and maybe the situation was worse than she thought it was. “You weren’t here last year for the holiday gathering.”

Lucy tenses. As if it could be more physically possible to do so. Alex feels a squeeze of her hand. “I was deployed overseas,” she answers vaguely. 

“Well, I’m sure Alex is happy.” Maggie stares at Alex knowingly. 

Lucy looks up at Alex with a small smile on her face. Alex feels like a deer in headlights. Her heart is racing inside of her because Lucy wasn’t here last year and doesn’t know what happened or why they broke up. Hell, she doesn’t even know if Lucy knows they dated. 

“She tries to act like she’s not,” Lucy offers. Then she picks up their hands and kisses the back of Alex’s hand. Alex blushes at the unexpected affection. It’s actually sweet. 

“Are you staying long? Maybe we can meet up,” Maggie says good naturedly. 

Alex interjects quickly before the situation gets out hand. There are things that Lucy doesn’t need to know. 

But Lucy answers first, “We’ll have to let you know. I’ve just been discharged recently and I’m not entirely _used_ to everything.”

Alex tilts her head curiously at Lucy. That wasn’t a lie entirely. In fact, Lucy says it so casually that Maggie and Kate don’t exactly know how to take it. They flounder for a second before Kate surprisingly expresses her gratitude for Lucy’s service and encourages Maggie to head out. 

When the other women are out of sight, Alex is left with Lucy and curiosity.

Lucy interrupts her thoughts with, “Come on, I’ll buy you a bottle of Glenlivet.”

“Why?” Alex asks in confusion.

“Because your ex girlfriend is dating Kate Kane.”

 

\----

 

Lucy has been odd. Alex realizes after spending the last couple of days with her. She feels like she should’ve noticed sooner but ever since their little run in with Maggie, Alex starts to notices that a lot has changed since she last saw Lucy. It isn’t only in the way Lucy doesn’t actively engage in arguments with Alex. There’s more going on with Lucy and Alex thinks it’s about time she finds out what.  

Alex clutches the bottle of Glenlivet and two glasses carefully as she stands in front of the bedroom door. 

This feels a little weird. Alex can honestly say that she’s never sought out Lucy of her own volition. Now, she wants to-- _I don’t know, maybe I should talk to her._

She gently knocks on the door. 

After a moment, Alex can hear Lucy’s gentle footsteps. 

The door swings open and Lucy stands before her in her soft sleep pants and camisole that shows off her perfect shoulders. 

Lucy stares at her curiously, but there’s a kind smile on her face. “Did you need something?” 

“Uhm--you bought me this,” Alex starts nervously. “And well, it was nice of you to do that. I was wondering if you wanted to have a drink with me?” 

Lucy hesitates. Alex can tell because she glances at the bottle then at Alex with this careful look in her eyes. 

“I didn’t lace it with anything if that’s what you’re thinking,” Alex jokes, trying to lighten the mood. 

Lucy lets out a light laugh. She steps aside for Alex to enter the bedroom. 

Alex walks in and she’s slept in there before, there aren’t too many places to sit. So she settles on the bed because at least she could be comfortable. She doesn’t wait for Lucy to sit down while she pours the first drink.

Lucy is still standing when Alex hands her a glass. 

“What?” Alex asks. 

Lucy takes the glass. “You’re being uncharacteristic.” 

Alex raises her eyebrows. “The same thing could be said about you.” She brings the drink to her lips. She swallows it down in one go. Lucy is still standing, still staring. “Did I strike a nerve?”

There’s an impassive look on Lucy’s face. She doesn’t answer and drinks the whiskey in one go as well. 

Alex is already pouring another one and she hands the glass to Lucy. Lucy trades her empty one for the one Alex just poured. They do this coordinated dance with trading glasses and drinking for a few rounds. 

“Can you sit down?” Alex finally says after the fourth. She feels a slight buzz because all they’ve been doing is drinking. She feels warm inside and all over. Honestly, she’s quite relaxed now that she’s had a few drinks in her.

Lucy quietly sighs but takes a seat at the edge of the bed anyway. She looks at the glass of whiskey in her hands. “So...how’s the couch?” 

“Are we really doing this?” Alex asks in disbelief. Lucy looks confused. “I mean the small talk thing.” 

Lucy sips her drink. “I guess so.” Her cheeks are starting to pink up from the warmth of the alcohol too. “We don’t usually drink like this.” 

“Like what?” 

Lucy pauses. “Together. Alone. Like we’re friends.” 

Alex feels kind of bad because there’s a bit of dejection in Lucy’s voice. “I mean we’re friends by association?” she offers, to which Lucy shares a small smile. She finishes the rest of her drink. Alex chews on the inside of her cheek. “We’re not really good at this.” 

“I feel like we should be arguing,” Lucy contemplates as she hands Alex her glass before realizing Alex hasn’t drank hers. 

“Funny enough, I didn’t come here to argue with you.” Alex swirls her drink before downing it. 

“Really?” Lucy raises an eyebrow. “In my experience, there are only two reasons for drinking: emotions or sex.” 

Alex feels the heat rush to her cheeks and it’s definitely not because of the alcohol. “W-what if a drink is a just a drink?” she stumbles over her words. 

“You came here for something, Alex.” Lucy turns to face Alex. She leans in close enough that Alex can feel heat radiating off her body. “What’s it going to be?” She is so close that Alex can see her green eyes darken with arousal, turning mysterious like a forest. 

Alex stops breathing, the air is trapped in her lungs. For a split second, she feels her heart stop completely and she feels terrified because there’s a twist of burgeoning desire in her belly. 

“Alex?” Lucy’s voice is husky and low. Her breath caresses her lips and Alex loses her self control. 

Alex leans forward, dying to feel Lucy’s lips against hers and satisfying that desire she doesn’t know how long has been there. Lucy breathes Alex in, kissing her back quickly as if she’s wanted it for a long time. She can feel her body flare by the way Lucy cups her cheeks, then running her fingers through her hair. 

They push against each other, fighting for dominance. Alex doesn’t mind it one bit, groaning with satisfaction, finding a coordinated dance between them before they fall onto the bed with Lucy half on top of her. 

Alex pulls Lucy in closer hands running up and down her waist. The thin fabric of the camisole feels like nothing with how hot their bodies are against each other. She swallows a moan that Lucy lets out. 

Lucy curls against her, breasts pressing against hers. She whines against Alex’s lips. It’s wanton and needy. She moves to straddle Alex to satisfy her need for contact, not hesitating to grind her hips into Alex’s. 

Alex gasps, feeling Lucy’s hot core press into her. She grabs at Lucy’s hips as they undulate agonizingly slowly. Lucy breaks their kiss and falls into the crook of Alex’s neck, groaning quietly. It triggers something inside of Alex. It makes Alex want to be the one to get her off. 

There’s a low growl from deep inside of her chest that comes out as she grips Lucy’s hips a little tighter. In a swift motion, she switches their position and lets Lucy fall back against the bed with a small bounce. Lucy gasps, staring up at Alex in shock. Alex smirks before settle between Lucy’s legs, ducking to kiss her deeply. 

Her hands caress Lucy’s lithe waist, feeling the firm muscles from years of training. She presses her fingers into her sides to trace the curves and dips. Alex can’t help but moan at how good Lucy feels to touch. All she wants to do is touch her and keep touching her. Her hand pushes up at the hem of her camisole, desperate to feel her hot skin. 

Lucy’s fingers tighten in her hair as her body starts to shake. 

Alex kisses her towards her jawline, until she reaches the top of her neck. Lucy lets out a guttural groan and rolls her hips towards Alex. She smiles at the physical reaction and continues to kiss her until she’s nipping at the base of her neck. Her palms flatten against Lucy’s muscular abs, fingers tracing the hard earned lines. She shifts her hips to give her hand access to move lower, caressing every inch of skin. Then she feels it; just at the crest of Lucy’s right hip is a smooth, soft line of flesh underneath her thumb. 

Lucy hisses like she’s in pain and jerks underneath Alex. “Stop, stop!” Her hands suddenly shove Alex’s shoulder back. She hits Alex’s shoulder to make her pull back faster. 

Alex reels back quickly. “Shit, I’m sorry!” Her mind tries to refocus after being thrown off by Lucy’s reaction. She can see the panic Lucy’s eyes as she scuttles to the top of the bed. She backs up to the edge of the bed quickly. “I'm sorry! I’m sorry, I just thought--” 

Lucy doesn’t look at Alex. She doesn’t focus on Alex. Hell, she doesn’t even register Alex’s presence anymore. She’s pinching the bridge of her nose as her chest rises and falls quickly. Alex can hear her muttering to herself. 

Alex thinks about running out of the room, too scared that she actually took advantage of Lucy. Then she notices at Lucy’s hip. The line of flesh that felt pliant and smooth is a jagged scar that dips into her pants. Her heart tightens in her chest when she remembers that there are very recent scars that Lucy carries all over her body. And she shouldn’t have been touching them. 

“Lucy…” Alex lets out with massive guilt. “I’m _sorry_.” 

Lucy lets out a sardonic laugh. For a moment, Alex thinks she’s still in her own little world, talking herself out of whatever hell she’s going through. She rubs her forehead painfully before shaking her head. 

“No, I should be the one that’s sorry.” Lucy lets out a long breath. She looks at Alex with pain and sadness in her eyes. “I shouldn’t--I _can’t_ \--” She’s at a loss for words. “I’m sorry.” 

Lucy suddenly slides off the bed. Then rounds the bed to find her sneakers. 

Alex stands up quickly. “Where are you going?” she asks quickly with growing concern. 

“I should go,” Lucy’s voice cracks. “I have to go.” 

“Where?” Alex stands in Lucy’s way. “You can’t just go somewhere. If anyone should be the one leaving it should be me. I shouldn’t have done--whatever I did. I’m sorry if I made you feel pressured or scared. I should be the one going. I’m sorry.”

Lucy looks up at Alex with her green eyes shining with tears that are threatening to fall. Alex can see the myriad of emotions war inside of her. “It’s not you--I’m sorry. I thought that I could do this. I thought if I tried hard enough that I could just be normal. That’s all I want to be is normal. But I can’t. I’m not the same. I can’t--” She chokes up. “I’m sorry, Alex. I’m sorry.” There’s heavy guilt in her voice as she apologizes. 

Alex feels her heart hurt to see Lucy in this state. “Why are you sorry? You have nothing to be sorry about.” 

“Look at me,” Lucy pleads quietly. “I’m a fucking mess. I feel like a fucking mess.”

“It’s okay, Lucy, it’s fine,” Alex comforts quickly. She steps carefully towards Lucy. 

“No.” Lucy counters but she doesn’t move away from Alex. She rubs her eyes in frustration. “It’s not fair to you. I want you; I really do. I always have, but the worst part is that I don’t deserve you. Not while I’m like this.”

“Like what?” Alex asks. She wants to know. She should’ve been asking that in the first place but there she was getting distracted. It doesn’t ease the guilt inside of her because she knew better. She should've noticed what's been going on with Lucy. Lucy stares at her in perplexity. “You can talk to me, Lucy. I want to know what's going on.”

Lucy stands still. The war inside her still rages. She stares at Alex, eyes darting behind her briefly. It's obvious Lucy's torn between talking to her and running out of the room. “Alex…” she breathes out quietly. “Don’t-- _please_.” 

Alex softens. “Okay.” She brings her hands up slowly, palms for Lucy to see before gently rubbing her upper arms. “We don’t have to talk. We don’t need to do anything. Just don’t go anywhere, okay?”

Lucy swallows thickly. Her right hand covers Alex’s gently. She nods without looking at her, eyes focused on their hands. 

“Come on, let’s get you to bed.” 

Alex guides Lucy back to her bed. She opens up the duvet for Lucy to climb in after she kicks off her sneakers. Lucy sniffles quietly in the comforter. She’s thinking loudly, but Alex ignores it while she closes the bottle of whiskey and sets the glasses aside on the dresser. She comes back to make sure Lucy is tucked in. 

Lucy doesn’t say anything but she stares, eyes still brimming with tears. It’s painful to see and Alex brushes her thumb across Lucy’s cheeks carefully. 

“Alex,” Lucy suddenly says breaking the silence. Alex tilts her head as she pushes Lucy’s hair aside. “Thank you.” 

Alex smiles softly, feeling a bit of relief. “No problem. I’ll be here when you’re ready, okay?” She cards her fingers through Lucy’s short bob, to which her eyes flutter as she basks in Alex’s soothing touch. Alex gently scratches Lucy’s scalp, easing the tension under her fingertips. 

Lucy quietly moans. Her eyes droop, but she forces them to stay open. “Could you stay?”

Alex bites her lip, wondering if it was a good idea. She wants to though. She knows she’s going to worry about Lucy if she’s not there. She nods. “I’ll stay.” 

Lucy shifts into the bed before pulling the comforter for Alex to join her. Alex slides next to Lucy, pulling the comforter over them. Lucy turns on her side away from Alex and Alex isn’t quite sure what to do until Lucy reaches back for Alex’s hand to pull around her waist. 

Alex curls her body against the back of Lucy’s, taking on the role of big spoon. They fit together perfectly to her surprise. And Alex stays like that for the night, holding onto Lucy until they fall asleep.

 

\----

 

Lucy wakes up abruptly. Her eyes open from a dreamless slumber and reorient herself to her current location. She blinks a few times, adjusting her eyes to dawn settling in. Her eyes trail to the clock and she realizes she actually slept. But she feels the passage of time in her bones and muscles. 

It’s warm, not sweaty sand sticking to her skin sweaty, but enveloping calm warm. 

She feels an arm around her waist and her eyes follow back to its owner. 

Alex is sleeping soundly behind her, holding her close. 

Lucy feels her heart start to race as she remembers everything from the night before. She feels a bit foolish for reacting the way she did. She’s had herself under control since she got back, but since Alex’s arrival she’s been losing it. 

Last night could’ve ended a lot differently. Someone could’ve gotten hurt; _Alex_ could’ve gotten hurt. 

It makes her heart anxious and her body becomes restless. She has to move, start clearing her mind before it gets too overwhelming. 

Lucy takes a small breath before lifting Alex’s arm slowly. 

Luckily for her, Alex is a heavy sleeper. But then she looks at how peaceful and calm Alex is while she’s sleeping and is struck by the urge to stay. She debates crawling back into bed and resting against Alex’s chest because somehow she was able to sleep more than three hours since she came back. 

Lucy shakes her head. She can’t stay. What she feels is good for now, but it won’t last. So she goes for a run.

 

\----

 

Lucy thinks that she’s made a big mistake and it’s going to have her falling apart than putting herself back together. It’s really why she spends time on her own. She tries to think about all that she’s done over the last 12 years of her life. All of the service to her country, dedication to her family, all for what?

There’s a faint bitterness left in her mouth of things that she could’ve done. Her mind burns with all the memories of her comrades. 

She feels like she’s being a bit dramatic. While she doesn’t prefer to spend time alone, there aren’t many people around her that understand what happened. 

When she gets back from her run, Alex isn’t her bed anymore and she doesn’t go looking. She showers and has breakfast on the porch, reading the paper to catch up on what’s been going on. It’s quiet and peaceful. 

Until Jimmy comes by. 

“Lucy?” he calls carefully as he steps onto the porch. 

Lucy could hear him coming outside, but he always tries to make his presence known. It’s considerate but Lucy hates that he walks on eggshells around her. 

He drops his hand on her shoulder before kissing her forehead, just like he used to do when they dated. It’s a blip of affection that Lucy has relearned to become accustomed to. He hands her the phone, “Lois wants to talk to you.”

Lucy finishes her coffee before taking the phone. He leaves her be. 

“Lucy?” her sister’s voice is full of worry. “I’ve been trying to call you.”

“Sorry, I don’t have my phone on me.” 

“I figured as much.” There’s a small breath. “How are you doing at Kara’s and James’s?”

“I’m good,” Lucy omits the nightmares and sleepless nights. “They’ve been good.”

Unfortunately, Lois knows her sister better, but she tries to switch gears. “Is Alex there?” 

Lucy rolls her eyes. “Yes, she is.” 

“Have you guys talked?” There’s mischief in her voice. 

Lucy thinks about the night before. She finally got to kiss Alex and she was a mess. It frustrates her to think about it. 

“Lucy?” 

“Yeah,” she clears her throat. “We talk, we bicker, we argue, you know like we do every time we see each other.” 

Lois hums, obviously hearing the lies in her sister’s voice. “What did you do?” 

Lucy curls up on the chair, bringing her knees to her chest to hug. “Everything wrong…” she mumbles. 

“Aw, sis, what happened?” 

Lucy quietly breathes into the phone. If she explains the situation, she has to explain everything. She doesn’t know if she’s ready, but she wants to talk to someone about it. Her headspace is already full of war and death and loss, now Alex. She can't do it alone.

“We kissed,” Lucy answers softly. She can’t help the small smile at the corner of her lips. 

Lois gasps. “Tell me more.” Lucy groans at the excitement in her sister’s voice. “Was it good? Was it bad? How did it happen? We’ve been waiting five years for this.”

“We?” 

“You and me, _duh_.” Lois lets out a light laugh. It’s infectious and of course it’s her and Lois. “It’s about time you two got something going.” 

“Oh my god,” Lucy curls up into herself shyly. “I hate you.”

“No, you don’t. You love me. And you love Alex, so you _have_ to tell me everything.” 

Lucy sighs. “Alright, alright. _Fine_. But you’re not going to like how it ends.” 

“It’s fine, we can fix the ending when you tell me what happens.” 

Lois sounds so normal and cheerful. She’s everything that Lucy remembers her to be. Her big sister was always there for her, helping her through everything. And even if Lois can’t fix how broken Lucy feels, she tries to fix the situation. It brings a small smile to Lucy’s lips because for a moment it feels normal. Lucy asking for her big sister’s help on how to get the girl.

 

\----

 

They’re playing Battleship while Kara and James are getting lunch ready. Of course, Alex uses the excuse that she keeps winning to stay away from the kitchen. Mainly because everyone is sick of how cute Kara and James are being with each other. 

“Say it, Winn,” Alex goads with a smirk on her face. “Say it.”

Winn throws his head back with a loud whine. “Come on! You sunk my freaking Battleship!” 

Alex and J’onn chuckle to each other. 

“Are you two conspiring against me?” Winn accuses in disbelief. “Are you using telepathy to tell her where I’m putting my ships?”

Alex laughs. 

“Don’t drag me into this,” J’onn says going back to his book. “Alex is unnaturally good at this game.”

“Her hit rate is far too good,” Winn argues. He gets up to look on Alex’s side. “Did you even put on the ships?!” He looks over in shock as he watches the boats line the edges of the board. “That’s cheating!”

Alex laughs even harder. “It’s called skill. You didn’t think to hit any of the edges.” 

Winn frowns, sinking back in his seat. 

“How about you play against someone more skilled?” 

They look to the doorway and see Lucy standing there. They kind of just stare because it’s the first time she’s interacted with them first since they’ve gotten there. 

Alex smiles because Lucy gives her a small smile that warms her heart.

“Did you just imply that I’m not skilled?” Winn snaps out of his initial surprise. 

“Yes,” Lucy deadpans before tapping at his shoulders to get out of the seat. Winn throws his hands up in defeat before getting out of the chair. 

“She’s so mean,” Winn complains playfully to J’onn, taking a seat next to him. J’onn just raises his eyebrows at him before he concedes. “Yeah, yeah, she isn’t wrong.”

Lucy looks at the board before her. “Wow, he thought he was playing it smart,” she comments on his clustered ships. 

Alex raises her eyebrows in agreement. “I know right?” she jokes with Lucy as she resets her pieces. 

“I can hear you two,” Winn grumbles. “I don’t need this. I’m going to help the disgusting couple in the kitchen.” He gets up and leaves them, muttering about being picked on. 

J’onn laughs before standing up after a moment. “You two be good,” he orders with a smile on his face. 

Alex feels her cheeks warm because J’onn knows everything. 

So Lucy and Alex are left alone. It almost feels deliberate but Alex thinks that it might just be in her head. Regardless, she is grateful for it. Even if they are a bit quiet as they set up their boards. 

Alex doesn’t know what to say. She knows they had a big moment the night before. They kissed a lot and she really liked it. Then Lucy said she’s always wanted to be with her? But she doesn’t deserve Alex? Alex feels her heart pounding inside of her. What does it all mean? What can she do about it now?

Lucy looks satisfied at her set up before looking at Alex. “Ready to see true skill?” 

Alex looks up dumbly at Lucy addressing her. She stares at the way Lucy raises an eyebrow at her. It feels weird to notice how pretty Lucy is. Lucy's always been pretty, annoyingly so, but now Alex knows it. She sees Lucy sitting across from her with her tanned clear complexion and well defined features from her strong cheekbones to her shiny lips. It makes her a mess. She doesn't know what to do.

She realizes she’s staring when Lucy averts her eyes briefly. Lucy doesn’t realize that she bites her lip when she feels shy. 

Alex feels a tug in her heart when she stares at Lucy. She sees so much more to her. When she thinks about Lucy, the only question that she can’t ignore is, “Are you okay?” 

Lucy pushes her hair behind her ear. She doesn’t look like she wants to answer.

“You don’t have to answer,” Alex adds quickly. “I mean, if you don’t want to. No pressure. I just didn’t see you this morning when I woke up and Kara told me you went for a run. I trusted that because super hearing and all-- _just_ \--in case you want to talk. You know, about last night?” She feels herself blushing from her rambles. 

Lucy clears her throat, shifting in her seat. She tries to find a comfortable position. “It’s fine,” she says. Alex is about to agree, when Lucy continues. “Well, it’s obviously not fine. But I’m managing.” She inhales. “Thanks for asking.” 

Alex stares at Lucy for a moment, trying to discern how she’s really feeling. There’s a levity in her demeanor and her smile appears grateful. 

Lucy chews on the inside of her cheek after a moment. “Come on. I have to show you my skills.”

Alex has to do a double take because she’s pretty sure that Lucy is _flirting_ with her.

 

\----

 

Usually, baking cookies is a Danvers sisters thing, but this year Kara asks Alex to find Lucy to join them. Alex knocks on Lucy’s door and slowly opens it. 

“Lucy?”

Lucy is standing at the end of the bed, wearing jeans and a sports bra. She was ready to put on a shirt, but she pauses when Alex peeks her head in. 

“I’m sorry,” Alex says with a blush. She’s hanging halfway in the doorway, looking anywhere that isn’t Lucy’s body. She’s already seen the scars. She’s touched one. If she sees them anymore, she might not want to give Lucy time and space.

Lucy pulls her t-shirt over her head. “Has this always been a habit of yours?” she asks reaching for a plaid shirt. 

“What?” Alex asks, noticing that Lucy is dressed. 

“Walking in on me either naked or half naked,” Lucy answers, buttoning up her shirt. 

Alex rolls her eyes. “I don’t try to. I just happen to do so.”

Lucy makes a sound as if she’s skeptical. 

“Are you going somewhere?” Alex asks, moving into the room. She tries not to sound worried, but at this point she can’t really help it. 

Lucy pauses briefly when Alex steps into the room. “Jimmy asked if I want to go find a tree with the guys.” Alex nods. “Did you need something?”

“Kara wanted to know if you were interested in baking cookies with us.”

Lucy raises an eyebrow. “That’s usually a Danvers sisters thing.”

Alex scratches the back of her neck nervously. “Yeah, but I don’t mind if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“I seem to recall many years of us bickering over the right ratio of butter and sugar,” Lucy points out playfully. She reaches for her jacket to pull on. Somehow, she uses that as a way to step closer to Alex. 

It’s surprisingly smooth of her and Alex feels warm as Lucy nears her.

“Because you’re wrong,” Alex argues, trying to quell the warmth inside of her. 

Lucy chuckles. “You say that every year, but we can taste the difference.”

Alex rolls her eyes. “Oh please, you and your refined taste palette supposedly.”

Lucy tilts her head up to look at Alex. “If you really wanted, I could teach you.”

Alex blushes and tries to make heads and tails of the situation. She actually lets out a giggle surprisingly. Lucy is joking with her, smiling at her, and in her space. “Are you flirting with me?” she _has_ to know. 

“I’m trying to,” Lucy doesn’t hesitate to answer. 

It shocks and flatters Alex. She feels the blush all the way up to her ears. “So does that mean you’re joining us?”

“And risk you judging my icing skills?” Lucy counters playfully. “No, thank you. I appreciate the offer, I really do, but I think being outside getting some fresh air and sun might be nice.”

Alex nods, understanding. “If you want to join us when you get back, you can.”

Lucy smiles at her thankfully. “I’ll come find you.” Lucy waits a moment and Alex does as well, unsure of what to do next. Usually, they argue and one of them storms off, making it easier to ignore the heat between them. But now, everything’s played out differently.

“Alex?”

“Hmm?”

“I’m going to kiss you now, is that okay?” 

Alex’s eyes widen at how straightforward Lucy is. It helps. It helps so much to know though. She nods quickly. 

Lucy takes a step closer to close the distance and tilts her head up. Alex meets her halfway. It’s not like their first kiss. She can feel Lucy’s soft lips gently kissing her, paced and even that it has her savoring the moment. It’s nice. It’s really nice. Her hand comes up to cup Lucy’s warm cheek. 

**Knock. Knock.**

Alex pulls away quickly at the sudden sound. 

“Lucy, are you ready to go?” Jimmy asks through the door. 

“Yeah, I’ll be down in a minute!” Lucy yells her response. They can hear Jimmy’s footsteps move away from the door. She shakes her head before looking at Alex. “See you later?”

Alex licks her lips and nods.

 

\----

 

“She’s doing better,” Kara points out as she sets up the cookies.  

Alex is pulling out a fresh batch of cookies and nearly burns her thumb grabbing the tray. She places it on the stove to cool as fast as she can because a dish towel was not enough to keep her hands safe. She brings her thumb behind her ear to help cool it. 

Kara glares at Alex. “You couldn’t have waited a minute?”

Alex rolls her eyes. “I could’ve but the cookies couldn’t,” she retorts. “Are you done making the cookies pretty?” She reaches for one of the chocolate chip cookies, only to have Kara slap her hand. 

“Can you give those to our guests first at least?” Kara chides.

“Guests? We literally have the same people over for Christmas every year,” Alex argues as she underhands Kara and swipes away a chocolate chip cookie. So much for Kryptonian superspeed. 

Kara looks miffed before throwing a look over her shoulder to the living room. More importantly, she looks over to Lucy, who is standing on a small stool helping Jimmy wrap the tinsel around the 10 foot tree they decided to get. “Can you bring the cookies over to our guests?”

Alex narrows her eyes. “Lucy isn’t our guest. She’s our friend.”

Kara takes a breath. “She is our friend, I’m not saying otherwise. I just want to make sure that she’s doing well and if we can make things easier for her, that’s better.”

“She’s a tough girl. She’ll be fine,” Alex waves off. Inside, she sincerely hopes that she’s right because Lucy has been through a lot and she’s not talking about it. The time they’ve spent together is a telling that she really is trying though. And hopefully, like Lucy says, when she’s ready, she’ll talk about it. 

Kara stares at her unconvinced. “She’s doing better you know?” she points out. 

“What do you mean?”

Kara turns her back to the living room to speak furtively to Alex. “She’s just...different. The last couple of days, she’s seemed a lot better, lighter. I think you being here has helped.”

Alex scoffs. 

“I’m serious,” Kara insists as she grabs onto her sister’s arm. “I know that you guys have a _thing_ going on, but you’re the only one she seems remotely herself around since she’s been back.”

Alex blushes. “We don’t have a _thing_.”

Kara raises her eyebrows. “I know I can tune out a bunch of things, but I’ve been keeping track of Lucy to make sure she’s okay. I know what you two did a few nights ago.” Alex opens her mouth to protest when Kara adds. “I’m sorry but I just want to make sure she’s okay. You have to understand.”

Alex sighs. She looks over to Lucy still standing on the small stool. It’s strange to look at her differently and notice all the things she should’ve noticed sooner. Not just in the way she looks, but the way she carries herself around their friends. As much as she pokes fun at Winn, she treats him like a little brother that she never had and when she looks at J’onn, she stares at him with the utmost respect like he’s a comrade. Of course, she loves Jimmy but not the way she used to because when she catches Alex’s eyes, a single eyebrow goes up and instead of seeing it as a challenge, Alex realizes that Lucy actually _notices_ her. The look is full of curiosity, wonder, and affection that makes Alex blush more than annoy her. It’s like an unbreakable connection that she never noticed before because it always used to send her heart racing in what felt like the worst way. Even if Alex’s heart still races at the way Lucy catches her stare, now her heart races because she knows how Lucy feels about her. 

If only they were both ready to unpack what they needed to. 

“Give her some more time,” Kara says, catching Alex’s attention. “I think she’s coming around.”

 

\----

 

“So you and Alex,” Jimmy says as he places a cup of cocoa beside her. 

Lucy picks her head up from old letters and takes the cup gratefully. It was starting to get chilly in the evening. She doesn’t realize how long she’s been sitting there since dinner. 

“What about me and Alex?” Lucy asks, putting the letters aside to drink the cocoa. 

Jimmy shrugs, taking a seat beside her. “You two have been getting close.”

Lucy grunts, feigning ignorance to that fact. 

“It seems like you are actually talking to each other,” he continues on. There is no subtlety in his voice whatsoever. “Must be nice.”

Lucy narrows her eyes at Jimmy. 

“I’m just saying that I’m glad you two are finally getting along,” he explains, knowing how easily her patience wears when he doesn’t get to the point. “This has to be the smoothest, relaxed holiday in the history of Kara’s holiday weeks.”

Lucy actually snorts at that. “Because Alex and I are getting along?” she asks sarcastically. “I feel like that’s a sign of everything going wrong.” She swallows thickly before looking at him. 

“Oh come on, you and Alex have always had this tension going on. It’s good that you guys actually like each other instead of fight with each other.” Jimmy wiggles his eyebrows playfully at her. “But I know you, Lucy. You’ve always liked her that’s why you rile her up.”

Lucy scoffs in disbelief. 

“You know it’s true. You know that I know what you know is true.”

Lucy rolls her eyes. “You’re a child,” she deadpans. She sips on her cocoa some more to feel warm again. However, the thoughts of Alex are enough to warm her. All those years of bickering and arguing were just years of Lucy being too afraid to tell Alex how she feels. It made it easier when she had to be deployed to just ignore those feelings and pretend that it was never the right time. 

“You’re not denying it,” Jimmy says with an all knowing smile.

Lucy smiles to herself. She isn’t going to deny it because it’s true. She’s always had feelings for Alex. She never used to know how to deal with them because they were so volatile together. But they also complemented each other that Lucy couldn’t help but fall for her. 

“Huh.” Lucy looks over at Jimmy staring at her. “It’s been awhile since I’ve seen that smile.”

Lucy tenses briefly but she nods. It felt nice. She settles the mug down beside her and takes a breath. “A lot of things have happened.” She looks out into the streets, in the distance, she can see more of the cityscape. “I used to think that I was doing good in the world, serving my country and protecting the nation. Then I saw the loss and sacrifice we’ve had to make and things just don’t add up like we think they do. And no matter how much we fight, how much we help, sometimes it isn’t enough.” Jimmy listens intently to her. She can feel his eyes on her. And she looks back at him, trying to relieve herself of the heaviness in her heart. “I know I haven’t been me because of everything that’s happened. I don’t think that I’ll ever be who you remember me as, but I’m trying. I just feel...lost right now.”

Jimmy reaches out to grab her hand and she lets him take it. “You don’t have to try to be who you were. We all grow and change and sometimes it’s for the best. It makes us better people.” He squeezes her hand encouragingly. “I know that we’ll never really understand what happened while you were over there, but we are here if you ever need us. We love you and we care about you, Luce.”

Lucy hears the genuine tone in his voice. Since getting back and staying with Kara and Jimmy, she’s tried to make distance, too afraid of showing them how much she’s been affected. But she tries to take his words to heart in hopes it’ll help her heal. She has a long way to go and she can’t do it on her own. 

She turns to him, opening up her arms to pull him into a hug. He’s surprised but hugs her back tightly. She can feel how much he relaxes in her arm as if he’s relieved. To be honest, she feels the same.

“Thanks for giving me some time and space. You and Kara. It means the world to me.”

 

\----

 

Last minute gifts have always been a thing for the Superfriends. The only person that it’s uncommon for is Lucy because somehow, in the few days of leave that she gets to come visit for the holidays, she’s already got her gifts lined up. This year, she’s actually going to spend Christmas Day with everyone as opposed to deploying early like she usually does. 

“Why are you walking with me?” Alex asks as they walk side by side up and down the aisles. 

Lucy shrugs. “I thought I could be useful,” she answers, looking at the array of toys on the shelves. 

“I highly doubt that,” Alex blurts out. Lucy doesn’t seem to react, but Alex feels bad for saying it. She just feels nervous as she walks besides Lucy. She doesn’t know what to do with herself and catches her foot in her mouth more often.

Lucy doesn’t turn to look at or say anything more to Alex, instead she continues walking down the aisle on her own. 

“Wait, Lucy!” Alex chases after her. Without even thinking about it, she reaches for Lucy’s arm and feels her tense instantly. 

Lucy stops and turns to Alex. “What’s up?” she asks as if Alex wasn’t rude to her at all. 

It makes Alex feel worse. “I didn’t mean to say it like that,” she tries. 

“It’s fine, Alex, I get it,” Lucy offers kindly. She really means it too as she stares up at Alex with her beautiful shining green eyes. There’s a bit of disappointment, but Lucy has a small smile on her lips to reassure her. “I just don’t really have much shopping to do. I thought I’d--” a small blush touches her cheeks “--spend time with you.”

Alex feels warm at Lucy’s admissions. “What? Are you making up for lost time?” she jokes.

Lucy looks impassive but there’s a thoughtful, “Hmm.” She carefully removes her arm from Alex’s grasp. “I thought I should. Things have changed, I’m here now, and I want to try--” Lucy stops talking and shakes her head, stepping back. “Nevermind, it's silly. I’ll go...somewhere else and let you finish shopping.”

“Wait Lucy!” Alex says quickly following her again. 

This time Lucy does stop and turns to meet Alex. She shoves her hands into her pockets, her shoulders bunching ever so slightly as if she's curling into herself.

Suddenly, Lucy looks small to Alex. She’s careful and timid, almost shy. It’s not a sight that Alex is used to and she can’t quite place whether or not she likes it. 

“I’m sorry,” Alex admits with a heavy breath. “I feel like I’ve been an ass to you for the majority of this holiday and I really shouldn’t be because I know a lot of things have happened to you.”

Lucy looks up at her with hard stare. That is a bit more of what Alex is used to. “It’s _fine_ ,” she interjects with a bite. “I don’t want you to pity me or anything. If anything you being an ass to me is probably the most normal someone’s been to me since I’ve gotten back. It’s why I do want to spend time with you.”

Alex bites the inside of her cheek. “But still...it feels weird. You and I have never spent time with each other and when we did we had this _thing_ going on.”

“ _Thing_?”

“You know,” Alex blushes. “That unresolved sexual tension, enemies to lovers thing.” 

“So are you saying we’re lovers now?” Lucy smirks at this. 

It only makes Alex flustered and she knows it too. 

“I don’t know what we are,” Alex starts to ramble her thoughts, gesticulating with panic. “We kissed and then we stopped kissing because--” she looks around and then at Lucy sadly “--you know.” She feels the heaviness in her chest. “And you said that you’ve always wanted to be with me. But there’s just a big elephant in the room because you’re back and there’s a lot going on with you and I don’t want you to feel pressured to talk to me. Even though I’m dying to know. And I really liked kissing you and I see now that you have changed. Or maybe I can finally see you for who you really are and everything makes a little more sense. Because I used to hate you and be frustrated by you, when I was probably just too much off an asshat to admit that I was actually attracted to you.” Alex doesn’t even realize how much her thoughts are pouring out of her and she’s essentially stopped breathing until Lucy’s hands reach up to cup her cheeks. 

Lucy pulls her face down so their eyes can meet. Lucy’s eyes are warm and shining as she stares into Alex’s eyes. She can feel her warm breath caressing her cheeks as well. After a moment, Alex starts to calm down. “Can you breathe for a second?” Lucy asks lowly. 

Alex takes a deep breath to release the weight in her chest. Her eyes flutter close because she can finally enjoy Lucy’s small calloused hands against her cheeks. “I’m sorry I’m a bit of a mess,” Alex admits. 

“Hello kettle, I am pot,” Lucy says playfully. She pushes Alex’s hair behind her ears. Alex opens her mouth too apologize but Lucy is too quick this time. She leans in and kisses Alex softly. 

Alex kisses her back, feeling her whole body warm at the sudden kiss. It’s a short and gentle kiss that leaves Alex wanting more, but instead she bites her lips and pulls back to look at Lucy. “What was that for?” 

Lucy smiles. “I like you even if you say you’re a mess,” she says as a matter of factly. 

“I can’t tell if that was a compliment or not,” Alex returns, furrowing her brow. Lucy chuckles. “But I like you too.”

Lucy smiles. She genuinely smiles like she doesn’t have a worry in the world. She leans in to kiss Alex again. 

Alex returns the kiss, wrapping her arms around Lucy’s waist. She stands up a little more confidently and feels Lucy smile against her lips. They don’t know how long they’re kissing for until there’s a jarring ringing that breaks them apart. Lucy lets out a small laugh as Alex groans, knowing what that sound is. 

Alex reaches into her pocket and pulls out her phone. “Livewire’s back.”

“Superheroes never get days off.”

 

\----

 

Alex doesn’t know which is worse being scared for Lucy or Lucy angry at her. Admittedly she should’ve been more careful with the power lines, but Lucy risking her life to _actually_ save her? That was terrifying. 

Now, Lucy won’t even talk to her or look at her when the Superfriends all make it back to Kara and James’ place. 

“You know why she’s mad right?” Kara asks as she hands Alex the bandaid for the cut on her head. 

“I’m mad too,” Alex bemoans after drying her face. She looks in the mirror for the small cut and takes the bandaid to put on. 

“But you were pretty reckless,” Kara purses her lips. She leans back against the bathroom counter and crosses her arms, still in her supersuit. “I could’ve gotten there.”

“There were people stuck in that bus,” Alex reasons. Even though, in the back of her mind she knows she was a bit reckless, but there’s no chance that she regrets it. “You were dealing with Livewire. I had Guardian right behind me.”

“Which doesn’t make it any easier for Lucy.” 

“What do you want me to do Kara?” 

“You need to talk to her.”

Alex shakes her head. “She won’t even look at me. You saw her the whole ride back.” 

“Alex, you’re a big girl. You’ve got this.”

 

\----

 

Her palms are a bit sweaty when she gets to Lucy’s door. She thinks about turning right around and going back to the couch to sleep for the night. But that wouldn’t solve anything. All she can think about is the way Lucy yelled at her. 

_ Are you being fucking stupid? _

_ It’s alright! I’ve got this. _

_ I’m not going to leave you here to die! I won’t do that again! _

The guilt tastes terribly in the back of her mouth. Alex tries not to think of all the possible reasons Lucy said that to her. _I won’t do that again._ She can’t think about it when she doesn’t know anything about what’s happened. To be honest, she won’t know until they talk. 

She knocks before the cyclical conversation in her head gets to her. 

Without waiting, she timidly opens the door and peers in. 

Of course, when she does, Lucy has her shirt off. _Again_. 

“Maybe this is a thing,” Alex tries to joke as she steps into the room. 

Lucy has her black sports bra on and she’s holding her t-shirt in her hand. She acknowledges Alex’s presence but doesn’t say a word. She stands at the foot of the bed, crossing her arms. Her dog tags rest comfortably on her breasts that almost distracts Alex. 

“Can we talk?” Alex asks carefully.

Lucy glances at the door. 

Alex shuts the door behind her. She looks back to Lucy, who just stares at her, waiting. There’s an awkward silence between them but it’s painfully clear that Lucy isn’t going to budge. 

“Look,” Alex takes a breath to prepare herself as she steps closer to Lucy. “Earlier tonight, there was a lot going on and I did what I thought was right.” 

Lucy stands straighter, eyes hardening until they’re dark. 

“But I was scared for you too,” Alex goes on. “As much as you’re mad at me right now for saving those people on the bus, I was so scared when you got me out of there because I turned around and for a moment you weren’t there.” 

Lucy looks away, trying not to make eye contact with Alex. There’s a myriad of thoughts going through her mind though, it’s evident in the way her jaw and neck flex. After a moment, she tosses her shirt onto the bed and walks to Alex. She doesn’t say anything when she grabs Alex’s hand and slowly presses it to the scar at her hip. 

Alex tries not to flex her fingers instinctively over the warm flesh because she can feel the way Lucy briefly tenses underneath it. 

“We were just leaving the city after resupplying, not even an hour out before a bomb went off,” Lucy says quietly. “The humvee flipped over and the glass shattered. One of my men pulled me out of the front seat while the others tried to stand ground.” She visibly swallows as she looks down to where Alex is touching. Alex wants to pull away but instead brushes her thumb carefully to comfort her. “At first I didn’t even feel it, didn’t even realize I was bleeding because bullets were flying everywhere. We tried to look for cover but there wasn’t much that wouldn’t have led back to the city. So we stayed and tried to fight off the terrorists.”

“Lucy, you don’t have to force yourself to tell me,” Alex tries to remind. All she wants to do is pull Lucy into her and hold her. 

Lucy lets out a shuddering breath. She tries to be brave as she looks at Alex. She bites her lip as the tears start to form. “The guy who pulled me from the humvee took a bullet for me and told me to keep going without him. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t leave him because I just watched my men get slaughtered.” 

Alex reaches up to cup Lucy’s cheek. 

Lucy’s hand covers Alex as she leans into the touch. She lets the tears fall but she doesn’t let herself cry. “I had a band of 35 men, Alex. Only five of us made it.”

Alex furrows her brows, unsure of how to comfort her. She doesn’t understand and she can’t make like she understands what Lucy has gone through because it’s far worse than she thought it was. She strokes Lucy’s hair. 

Lucy shakes her head, trying to shake her mind of her thoughts. “I’m trained for war Alex. I understand loss in a way that people will never see. It is my duty to protect our country and honor the men who served beside me. But I can’t stand the idea of losing anyone else. Especially you.”

“I can’t think about what it’s like to lose you either,” Alex admits softly. 

Lucy turns her head to kiss Alex’s palm. “I don’t think you realize how long I’ve actually liked you.”

Alex scrunches her nose. “You’re really hard to read. Plus you annoyed me more than life itself.”

“Find someone you want to annoy for the rest of your life,” Lucy remarks with a cheeky smile. 

Alex shakes her head in disbelief but she still smiles with Lucy because it’s infectious. “Is that what we’re going to do? Annoy each other for the rest of our lives?” 

Lucy stares at Alex, eyes shining with warmth and hope. She looks as if she has a million things she wants to say but instead she leans up to kiss Alex. 

Alex’s breath catches in the back of her throat as soon as their lips touch. Lucy smiles against Alex’s lips and leans in to press their bodies against each other. Alex kisses back, feeling her body hot against Lucy’s and she wraps her arms around Lucy to pull her in as closely as possible.

Lucy pulls away first not without gentle kisses that leaves Alex wanting more. She looks up at Alex, hand coming up to card her fingers through the auburn locks. Alex bites her lip at how firmly Lucy’s grasps. 

“Do you want to sleep here tonight?” Lucy asks huskily. 

“Lucy,” she gasps. Lucy’s nails scrape her scalp, sending shivers down her spine.  

“I _mean_ sleep,” Lucy clarifies with amusement. 

Alex shudders. “Not if you keep doing that,” she growls quietly. Lucy’s thumb presses against her temple, trying to soothe her, but it has the opposite effect. She lets out a quiet whimper. 

Lucy clears her throat, trying to suppress her laugh. “Sorry,” she mumbles as she lets go of Alex slowly. 

Alex shakes her head. “It’s fine, I just--” the words fall short because Alex misses Lucy’s hands on her. “I think we’ve still got some unresolved sexual tension going on.” 

Lucy snickers. “So that’s a no on sleeping here tonight?” 

Alex swallows thickly. Everything inside of her screams for Lucy but when she looks actually looks at Lucy, Alex tries to curb her desire. Especially if that’s not what Lucy wants right now. 

“It isn’t that I don’t want to have sex with you,” Lucy admits to Alex’s surprise. She bites her lip. “I just don’t want to rush into this thing with you while I still have things to work on.”

“So the sleeping thing?” Alex searches for an explanation.

Lucy blushes. “I--you know what? Forget I asked. It sounds really cheesy if I say it out loud.” 

“Come on, it really helps when you tell me,” Alex encourages. She reaches for Lucy’s hands. “Don’t quit while you’re ahead.” 

Lucy rolls her eyes, clearly berating herself. “I just like being around you okay? Because I like you.” Alex feels her heart melt at the admission and she tries to hold back the banter, but there’s a relentless smile on her face. Lucy scoffs.

Alex tugs her hands once more. “Come on, let’s go to sleep. You make a good little spoon.” 

“Forget what I said,” Lucy grumbles, like the tough girl she is. “You can sleep on the couch.”

\--

Alex doesn’t in fact sleep on the couch. She sleeps in bed with Lucy at night, knowing that they feel more comfortable with each other nearby than far apart. It’s funny how things have changed over the last couple of years. What they’ve learned about each other over the last couple days, were things that they’ve always known about each other. Lucy had too much pride to say what she was really feeling and Alex was so far in denial about how she was feeling. 

_ “So that time you and I got into a sparring match, the only reason why you lost was because you wanted me to pin you?” _

_ “What can I say? I like a woman who can pin me down.” _

_ “Ugh, that’s so lame. I thought I won that fair and square and you just let me hold it over you for the whole week.” _

_ “Because you were so cute about it Alex.” _

_ “I want a rematch.” _

Alex wakes up on Christmas Eve to sound of gentle padding against the floor. She wraps herself under the covers just a bit because the cool air drifts in from the window Lucy insists on leaving open.

_ “It reminds me that I’m not in the middle of the desert fighting a war anymore.” _

_ “Let me remind you that. It’s cold.” _

_ “Heh. I also like the cold.” _

There’s a small dip in the bed by Alex and she peeks over the comforter to see Lucy sitting there. 

“Morning,” Alex murmurs, eyes threatening to fall asleep again. It’s an ungodly hour but she’s getting used to Lucy waking up at dawn to go for her run. 

“Alex,” Lucy says instead of greeting. There’s a solemn tone in her voice that immediately wakes up Alex. 

Alex sits up and looks at Lucy, who isn’t quite meeting her eyes. She can tell by the slump in her shoulders that something’s happen. “Hey, what’s going on?”

Lucy is still in her running clothes, skin sweaty and cool. She swallows before looking at Alex. “I have to go.”

“Go? What do you mean go?” Alex questions, reaching for Lucy’s hands quickly. 

“Uh… one of the guys from my team, he uhm, he was having a hard time,” Lucy tries not to shake as she speaks. She clears her throat with a bob of her head. “His wife called us. He took a bunch of pills.”

Alex holds on more tightly to Lucy’s hands and Lucy holds her back. “Lucy--” she’s at a loss for words.

“He’s in the hospital right now,” Lucy explains with a deep breath. “He hasn’t woken up yet and the doctors aren’t sure when he will. But the rest of us are going to see him.”

“Where?”

“Seattle,” Lucy answers sadly. “My flight leaves in a few hours.”

Alex heart tightens at the thought of Lucy leaving again. While she knows what for this time, it’s a lot harder to watch her go. “Okay,” she lets out softly. “I can bring you to the airport, if you want.”

Lucy opens her mouth and nods. She leans in to kiss Alex. “I’m sorry about missing Christmas.”

Alex wraps her arms around Lucy for a hug. “I get it. I just wish it didn’t have to be so sad.”

Lucy sighs in Alex’s arms and she nods into her shoulder.

 

\----

 

The airport ride is an interesting affair. Both of them are torn between making it light and just riding in quiet solemn. Alex sees Lucy check her phone for the umpteenth time, which she hasn’t been doing the whole time they’ve been at Kara’s. There’s a quiet balance when Alex reaches for Lucy’s hand for the rest of the car ride. 

Alex gets out of the car and helps Lucy with her bag. 

“You never let anyone bring you to the airport,” Alex notes aloud as she grabs the green duffel from the back seat. “Why is that?”

Lucy takes the bag and throws it over her shoulder. She isn’t in uniform, so it’s strange seeing her with the green duffel over her shoulder. “I’m not a big fan of goodbyes. The finality of goodbye just seems daunting.”

Alex quirks her head. “I didn’t know you could sound so poetic.”

Lucy smirks. “There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me.” She pauses briefly. “Yet.”

With that, Alex smiles in agreement. “Yet.” She steps closer to Lucy, who stares up as she moves in. “I’m going back to Central City, just so you know.”

Lucy nods. “I thought as much.”

Alex nervously stares at Lucy. “I don’t know what you’re plans are after the holiday. Or even for awhile. But maybe if you’re in town, you can come find me?”

Lucy smiles and nods. “I’ll be around, Alex.” She says it with reassurance and hopefulness that warms Alex. Then she reaches into the small pocket on the side of her bag to pull out a small stack of letters. They’re beaten up and colored by the sand. Alex stares curiously as Lucy shyly holds them. “So, I got you something.”

“Lucy,” Alex woefully starts, “I didn’t get you anything.”

Lucy shakes her head. “No, it’s fine. I didn’t get you something as in buy you something.” She hands Alex the stack. 

When Alex takes it, she sees the letters in her hand that are addressed to her in Lucy’s handwriting. There’s postage on them but they look like they were never sent. She looks at Lucy with a myriad of questions. 

“I wrote to you,” Lucy explains, “but I never had the guts to send any of them. They’re not too special, just things I thought reminded me of you when I was over there. Or times I wanted to rant about something because I knew you’d feel the same about it.” Lucy takes a breath. “I thought you should have them.”

Alex smiles and takes the letters before hugging Lucy. “You are a real sap, you know?”

Lucy grunts, being pulled into a sudden hug, but she hugs Alex back anyway. “I’m making up for lost time. And I wanted you to know, just in case anything happens.”

Alex pulls back with a frown. “Way to ruin a good moment.”

Lucy cups Alex’s cheek, thumb brushing the line under it. She doesn’t feel the need to apologize, they both know the reality they live in. Instead she tilts her head up and Alex meets her half way so they can kiss. Alex doesn’t want it to end because Lucy is so paced and gentle in her kissing. But Lucy pulls back first, catching her breath. 

“I’ll see you soon, Alex.”

“I’d better.”

Lucy smiles and kisses her one more time before walking away. She looks over her shoulder, green duffle slung over, as she sends her a two finger salute before walking inside.

**Author's Note:**

> it seems like a set up for part 2 but we shall see; it'll definitely be happier than this one trust me and we will see our girls together if i do have time to write it 
> 
> come yell at me i love it nocteverbascio.tumblr.com


End file.
